Topical Tiki - Monday, August 11th, 2014

Topical Tiki - Monday, August 11th, 2014

Supermodel Kate Upton revealed in an interview that the Yankees wouldn't allow her to wear any Tigers gear to support boyfriend Justin Verlander at Yankee Stadium. The Yankees only made the request however, when they found out that all Upton had packed for her trip to New York was Tigers gear.

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Topical Tiki - Monday, July 28th 2014

Topical Tiki - Monday, July 28th 2014

A group called Geeks for CONsent is saying that numerous female cosplayers have come to them with stories of sexual harassment at this past weekend's annual San Diego Comic Con. The top three complaints were being groped, being photographed without consent, and being asked if they would accept men into their "friendzones." 

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Random Tiki Talk Jokes From I Don't Know When

Apple is planning on including a UV sensor in its new iWatch to help people monitor their exposure to the sun. Because pasty white nerds don't already know to stay out of it. 

Late actor Mickey Rooney's will has revealed a fair amount of personal drama in the Hollywood screen icon's life. So much drama that CBS has offered a deal for Rooney's corpse to be on the next season of Big Brother. 

Chick-fil-A is hoping to re-brand itself as healthier and more hip by introducing a new line of grilled chicken menu items. Their slogan? "We thoroughly grill all our chicken to make sure it has a firm commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle!"

Disney Chairman Alan Horn has revealed that Star Wars Episode VII has already begun filming despite not having a completed cast. He said, "we're still looking for our next Hayden Christensen."

Tiki Talk: The Jokes of Episodes 6 and Scraps

1/25/14

A new airplane design dubbed the "Sky Whale" would be the greenest aircraft ever according to its Spanish designer, Oscar Viñals. He went on to say that the name is not final, because he doesn't want it to also be the most self conscious aircraft of all time. 

...The only problem with his design, is getting it to run on something other than krill.

Two teenage girls from California who both crossed the country to attend Tulane University in Louisiana became room mates only to find out that they share the same sperm donor father. That's pretty cool, but more importantly, does that mean their moms are eskimo sisters...?

A fisherman in New Zealand caught a strange translucent sea creature which baffled him. Upon further analysis it turned out it was just a condom with extra ribbing for her pleasure.

Stephen Hawking has written a new paper in which he claims that black holes don't exist. He said, "if you think that's controversial, wait until my next paper, which will prove that the holocaust never happened."

1/23/14

New evidence collected by the Mars Opportunity rover has revealed that life-friendly water flowed on the planet 4 billion years ago. However, it is still impossible to prove that the life was actually there without a working time machine.

...NASA says the limits of the older rover make it difficult to be certain still whether life ever actually did exist on the planet, but the time machine they wanted to install would have been way too expensive. 

A fan of Apple's iPhone recently spent six months with a Samsung Galaxy S4 to see whether he should switch or not. He said that overall apps on the iPhone, "not only work better... they just... look better." Which is basically how I feel about girls who work at Raley's and Bel Air.

In an interview with Self magazine, skiing star Lindsey Vonn said that she doesn't always feel comfortable with her body image, especially when she's at fashion events with lots of skinny girls. Hey, I would feel that way too if I was dating Tiger Woods. 

According to a story on The Street, the five states most likely to legalize marijuana after Colorado and Washington are Alaska, Oregon, California, New Hampshire, and Maine. Meanwhile Florida is on its way to being the first state to legalize bath salts. 

Scientists recently discovered a supernova that appeared in the night sky. The supernova was detected when an astronomer, "felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

...The supernova is a reminder that the night sky is full of wonders but more importantly, death and destruction. Worship the sun today, or die. (cut to Ricky and I worshiping the sun).

NASA is shutting down tours of the Vehicle Assembly Building at the Kennedy Space Center for renovations that will prepare it to launch a new Space Launch System or SLS. However, due to budgetary constraints, the renovations will be done by HGTV as part of its 2014 Dream Home giveaway. 

A photo has been taken of the extremely elusive Borneo Bay Cat in Southeast Asia. The cat is said to be nocturnal, secretive in nature, and have a very low population density. We have a picture here: That's right, we at Epic Tiki are smart enough to make an Emily Dickinson joke!

Emily Dickinson.jpg

A plumber in Louisville surprised Muhammad Ali on his birthday last Friday by knocking on his door and saying hello. The plumber got to take a picture with the living legend, which he said, "took a few tries to get down." (A lot of shakiness). 

1/17/14

Big news today, Amber Heard, known to be bisexual, and Johnny Depp have gotten engaged. Depp said the reason he asked her to marry him is that she was the only girl who is into him wearing makeup all the time.

NFL Hall of Fame quarterback and former 49er Joe Montana said Friday that he thinks current 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick is great except for his pocket passing skills. After watching the 49ers take on the Seahawks however, Montana said he believes Kaepernick may just be color blind, as he couldn't tell which jersey was the right one to throw to. 

1/16/14

Former MLB All-Star Vernon Wells will make $21 million this year despite being let go by the Yankees. Well's contract is pretty bad, but at least the Yankees didn't overpay for a brand new Ford Fiesta! (This guy...)

...So basically 2014 is starting off pretty well for him so far!

George Clooney recently played a prank on his friend Matt Damon by taking in the waistline of Damon's pants by small amounts every few days as he was trying to lose weight. Clooney later admitted that this prank is the real reason none of his girlfriends last that long. 

1/3/14

An automotive company in Canada called Canadian Tire has built a Chevy Silverado 2500 with a cab made completely out of blocks of ice. Chevy said it was largely an impractical model as only Eskimo and Inuit peoples would ever actually consider buying it. 

Kim Jong Un reportedly fed his uncle alive to 120 starved hunting dogs. There is something ironic and racist here, but I won't say what it is... I'll let you do the math...

...Michael Vick 

A man surprised his long-distance girlfriend with 98 Instagram love notes. Within minutes he lost every single one of his followers, including his girlfriend who said, "It was a little much."

The Jokes of Episode 4

Jonathan Rhys Meyers has denied his involvement with the next Star Wars movie saying, "Look, I've worked with J.J. (Abrams) but I don't believe in rumors." Star Wars fans then broke Google as they tried, all at once, to figure out who the hell Jonathan Rhys Meyers is. Aside: He's that one guy from Mission Impossible 3. 

Lucas Black, the star of The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift has signed a deal to return to his role for the next three Fast and Furious movies. While that is cool news, um, SPOILER ALERT! Now we know they can't kill him for at least two movies.  

Ex-Patriot Wide Receiver Brandon Lloyd has left football for a role in a direct to DVD zombie flick called After Effect. 

A US Navy commander was arrested for taking bribes from a defense contractor in Singapore in exchange for exclusive contracts with the Navy. 

A stone pendulum statue was removed form the campus of GVSU in Michigan after students tried to recreate Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" music video where she rides a wrecking ball in the nude. The wrecking ball has released a statement saying, "I feel like a common mechanical bull. I am a piece of art! Not a piece of ass!"

A man was knifed by his ex-girlfriend over playing too much Eagles music in their house. I don't even want to know what she does when someone plays too much Nickelback. 

Scientists have discovered what they are calling a new species of "legless lizards" that live near Los Angeles International Airport. So far no one has had the heart to tell the scientists that what they really found was just a new species of snakes. Aside: stupid scientists.

...It should be noted that the "scientists" in this article are from Mrs. Murphy's 4th grade class.  

...The individuals who found the lizards are also not scientists which explains why they tried to make up something as ridiculous as legless lizards. 

Mexico is currently being beset by three different storms including Hurricane Manuel. Meteorologists believe the storms came about after the sky ate a bad burrito and tried to digest it. 

Dutch designer Dave Hakkens has proposed a Lego-like smartphone called Phonebloks that would allow users to swap out small components when they break or become obsolete. Critics of the idea say it will be difficult to market to parents who will no longer be able to say to their kids, "don't play with that it's not a toy!"

Longtime Nintendo president Hiroshi Yamauchi died Thursday in Japan at the age of 85. He died quietly in his home after using his last extra life mushroom. 

A U.S. court of appeals has ruled that "liking" something on Facebook is protected under the first amendment.  

Aldon Smith was arrested this morning on suspicion of DUI and marijuana possession. With the exception of Colin Kaepernick, every NFL quarterback's butt cheeks un-clenched after hearing the news. 

Thanks for reading! 

 

The Jokes of Episode 2

The Jokes of Episode 2

Fugitive intelligence leaker Edward Snowden will finally be allowed to leave the airport he's been holed up in after he is granted temporary asylum by Russia. Russian authorities said in addition to leaving the airport, Snowden will now also be allowed to play his Xbox again and stay out with his friends until midnight.

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The Jokes of Episode 1

The Jokes of Episode 1

Steve Wozniack was one of the first people to see Kim and Kanye's new baby girl North West. His reason for being there was to suggest they use segway as a middle name because, as he says, it's the best way to travel from North to West. (Written by Ricky Bartshe, who is a genius).  

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